Outlet

Ok--so mostly I use this blog as a place to post pictures of my kids, who are pretty much my world. But today I need an outlet, and here I am. Today has been ONE of my hardest days yet. (I say yet because there have been a few harder, and I am sure there are more to come) For my entire pregnancy so far with this baby I have felt something was "off." I felt much this same way with Bailey though, and was hoping it just meant this was going to be a girl, and my girls just give me anxiety from the get go. I went to my first OB appointment, and felt a lot more at ease once I saw the baby on the ultrasound, and there was a good heart beat. I expressed to my midwife my worries, and she told me to feel free to come in anytime and hear the heart beat, if I was feeling nervous. I still have had that looming dark cloud feeling, but tried to push past it, and enjoy this pregnancy, as it is likely our last baby. We decided not to find out the sex of this baby, and I have resisted buying anything yet, which is hard for me to do if you know me. I just bought some super cute maternity clothes on Old Navy.com (which arrived today--timing!) So today I had another check up, and they were checking for the heart beat, and nothing. I have had it be a little harder to find, especially in the begining, but never this hard. The girl had someone else come in to try, and after a minute she said lets not put you through this any more, let's just go get an unltrasound to find that baby. Of course Mike no longer comes with me to my appointments (not since Tyler, not with 3 kids at home to wrangle, and work) My sweet midwife came and hugged me while I was waiting for the ultrasound, and assured me this was really common, and she was sure the baby was just hiding under my pelvic bone. When I got in for the ultra sound, it didn't take long for me to see there was no heart beat. I could see that little body, head, back, arms and legs, but no heart beat. I started crying, and she said how sorry she was (her name is Lindsey too--with an E even) I asked how long ago it had died, and she said it looks like about a week ago! Ugggh. I went back and my midwife came in, and hugged me some more. She said how she wished she could do something for me, take away my pain--SO DID I! I wished Mike were there, or my mom! (Funny how you never really stop wishing your mom was there at times like this) I met the other Dr, and he was really nice too. My friend sees him, and has said how he is a little lacking in the bedside manner department, but he was very kind. I am going in for a "D and C" (which is a term I have heard, but just read up on myself.) I cried when I called Mike as I was walking to the car. Then I called my mom, and cried HARD! After we hung up, I thought about what the D and C means for that little life I just saw on the screen. No longer alive, I know, but to think of it just gone kills me. Funny how you can grow to love something so small in such a short amount of time. That is one of the things that has amazed me most about motherhood. This is my first miscarriage, and so far I am not a fan. I thought I knew somewhat of the pain of losing a child, as I went thru a roller coaster ride of thinking I was pregnant month after month before Tyler, and then not. It was no where near this. I am grateful to have my 3 children here at home, to keep perspective, and keep me busy. But the doctor said something to me that I will not soon forget. He said this is a loss. You had a child, and you have lost it. Don't let anyone discount that, and don't discount it yourself. No matter how big it was, it was a life. At first, Mike and I were both so shocked about this pregnancy. We were planning on getting pregnant this summer, but after a few weeks, we both started to get excited, and especially in the last couple of months. We will try again, but how? I am so nervous, thinking what if I feel that uneasy feeling again? I did not have it with Tyler or Kyle, and they were both healthy babies. I guess the only thing you CAN do is roll with what comes. Thanx for "listening."

SAND Hollow

OK--so the weekend of the 18th, we headed down to warmer climates and camped with my sister Michelle and her family, and Josh and his family. This is the first time we have been camping since Bailey was a newborn, and we were a little hesitant at first to say the least. But boy are we glad we went! We had so much fun--on the way home we were calculating how long until we can purchase a truck, and some 4-wheelers to pull behind it. The kids had SOO much fun, which was my main motivation in going. Mike had a few days off, and instead of just lounging around not doing much--we went for some camping fun! The only problem was the wind, and the fact that both of the air mattresses we brought were NO GOOD!

Blogger does funny things with the order of pictures these days--and I decided not to fret about it too much and just go with it--so here we go! When the kids got tired out, and we were all trying to clean up, they watched a movie in Josh's vehicle. These three boys are June, July and August birthdays--so fun!


Our loverly family--nice and clean for a photo! (Kyle was sleeping in the Van)




See--here's Kyle. He had a hard time falling asleep, so when he finally did--it was wonderful!

Cute little Parker--holding on to the ball so no one else got it.

Josh's little girl Megan--all ready to go on a ride. The kids all couldn't get enough of the 4-wheelers.

Kyle was so funny--he would sit on the 4-wheelers, and want to go on a ride SOO bad, but didn't want to have the helmet on and be buckled in. The morning before we left Mike finally got him on the little one, and he was ALL smiles!

Mike--loading up to take the kids on a ride. The big 4-wheeler of Michelle and Aarons is AWESOME! It has seat belts, and a roll bar on the top--feels extra safe! And it fits 5 people, which is great!

Josh, Megan, and Michelle--FUN ride!

The kids loved playing in the sand. It was so much fun to see them all play so well together. It still amazes me to see us have our own kids now.

Kyle's ready or not! He is really starting to get into cars and all of the fun "Boy" things--it is a lot of fun.

Easter Post

The Easter Bunny waited until after church to do our Egg hunt. (9 AM church is hard enough as it is!) The kids were excited when we pulled in and there were eggs everywhere. So fun to watch them be so excited. Those are the moments where it really pays off.

If I were smart I could rotate this picture--but you get what you get! Bailey in her pretty Easter dress, showing off all of the eggs she found. She found the most by far, but they all ended up in a big heap anyway.

Kyle just giggled, and giggled at the whole thing. He is such a sweet boy!

Hunt at Grandma Livingston's. How cute is that?! I love it when they are sweet to each other. I can so see that Tyler is growing up!

Bailey and Kyle playing under Grandma's wheelchair. Goof balls!

Tyler happy about his LOOT!

Squash...

Thanx Kassie for letting me steal this picture off your blog--it's a great one! Happy Birthday to Joshie! I cannot believe he is turning 29--that is OLD! ;) I was just searching for a nice memory of Josh to share, and as we kind of butted heads growing up, it took a second. But one that always really touched me was before he went on his mission and he asked me to go into town to get some Pop I think. I was skeptical, as I said we weren't the closest, but we had a really nice talk, and I was so impressed that my brother had grown up in there somewhere, and I hadn't even realized. And then we bawled like babies when he went into the MTC! I love you Josh. I hope you read this, and get all mushie inside too. You are an amazing father--especially when you change the occasional diaper! Hope you have a great day.

Bailey's Big Day!

(Don't worry--we don't let our children play in the dryer! She climbed in here ONCE after I had taken clothes out, and I thought it made a cute picture)

Happy Birthday Bailey Jean!!! Honestly, somedays I am amazed we have made it to #4! Bailey is such a little fighter--and I cannot imagine my life without her. We had a fun little party for her tonight. I let her invite friends, since she has been talking about who's invited and who wasn't for nearly a year! We had pizza, an Easter Egg hunt, presents, and then a DELICIOUS Cold Stone cake from her awesome Aunt Michelle (they are the one in Ft. Union--go there, go often!) She got spoiled with gifts, and had so much fun being with her friends. She is seriously the most social girl I have ever seen! The girl wakes up asking to go play with friends, and is planning out tomorrow as she goes to bed. Drives me SLIGHTLY crazy, but she is such a doll! Hooray for Bailey Bop!

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary! To my dear, sweet husband! We have made it 8 years, I cannot believe it. My mother in law called me to wish us Happy Anniversary this morning, and we were discussing how I cannot believe it has been 8 years. Two more and we will be at 10, which seems like SOOO long! Today looks to be much nicer weather than our wedding day, it snowed and rained before, and that’s when our pictures were supposed to be. Of course, when we came out it was nice and sunny, and we dragged our not so nice photographer over from another wedding for a second to take a few shots with all of our family. It was such a great day though. I remember just feeling like it was all a dream. As we drove away from the temple, I just kept thinking, “This is real! We are really married!” 3.25 kids in 8 years is not too shabby, crazy in fact! I love my husband, especially because he puts up with me so well on the days that I am not the easiest to put up with. He really is SO good to me, and works so incredibly hard for our family. It was fun going through our wedding pictures to post some on here. If you notice my hair is up in some, and down in some, that is because we got married Friday, and had our reception Saturday. I did not want to be rushed on my wedding day, so we got married at 4 PM, and then had a nice relaxed wedding dinner, and then our wonderful families had the whole next day to set up the reception. However, when I went to get my hair done for the reception, I realized I had a HICKEY on my neck!!! (Total accident, my neck does that really easily for some reason) Mike was so embarrassed, and couldn’t look my dad in the eye! LOL! Anywhoo, tried to cover it up with make up, but to no avail, so we opted to go with half up, half down to try and hide it. (My parents and family told everyone anyway!) Fun times! Then we had an awesome Honeymoon in Hawaii!! (maybe we’ll get back there for our 10 year) We actually got a date on Friday to celebrate (Thanx to Mike's sister Michelle and her husband for watching our kids!) We went to eat at Iggy's (the highlight of that place for me is the YUMMY cheesecake!) Then we went and saw Taken. If you have not seen it yet--I highly recommend it. Although, if you have daughters, you will never want to let them out of your sight! Funny, I was just thinking about how we have spent our past Anniversary's, and they have been very different. For one of them, four years ago, we had lunch, and then had a baby! Love you Honey, Happy Anniversary! Here’s to many more!

To whom it may concern...

I really would like to have a few things in my life that belong to me. My blog is one of them. I love the Blogger world, and think it is a great tool to catch up with friends and family. What a sad day when people cowardly use them to lash out at people. I really do not want to have to start the whole comment moderation, so do as Thumper said "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." I am a good, nice person--if you don't know that, that you don't know me. I post good, nice things about my family, and our going on's. Please don't clutter up my comment section with things you are too weak to say to my face. The people that this is meant for know who they are--everyone else, feel free to post me a nice fluffy comment about how super you think I am, and how seeing cute pictures of my kids makes you smile! Who doesn't love blog comments--they make you feel all warm a fuzzy inside! I just think it is sad that some people have nothing better to do. Honestly--get a life! You know my email, and my telephone number, if you have something you absolutely must say to me, do it in one of those ways. Don't use my blog, your comment will simply be deleted. Again--love to all my happy peeps out there! Have a super fantastic day!