Outlet

Ok--so mostly I use this blog as a place to post pictures of my kids, who are pretty much my world. But today I need an outlet, and here I am. Today has been ONE of my hardest days yet. (I say yet because there have been a few harder, and I am sure there are more to come) For my entire pregnancy so far with this baby I have felt something was "off." I felt much this same way with Bailey though, and was hoping it just meant this was going to be a girl, and my girls just give me anxiety from the get go. I went to my first OB appointment, and felt a lot more at ease once I saw the baby on the ultrasound, and there was a good heart beat. I expressed to my midwife my worries, and she told me to feel free to come in anytime and hear the heart beat, if I was feeling nervous. I still have had that looming dark cloud feeling, but tried to push past it, and enjoy this pregnancy, as it is likely our last baby. We decided not to find out the sex of this baby, and I have resisted buying anything yet, which is hard for me to do if you know me. I just bought some super cute maternity clothes on Old Navy.com (which arrived today--timing!) So today I had another check up, and they were checking for the heart beat, and nothing. I have had it be a little harder to find, especially in the begining, but never this hard. The girl had someone else come in to try, and after a minute she said lets not put you through this any more, let's just go get an unltrasound to find that baby. Of course Mike no longer comes with me to my appointments (not since Tyler, not with 3 kids at home to wrangle, and work) My sweet midwife came and hugged me while I was waiting for the ultrasound, and assured me this was really common, and she was sure the baby was just hiding under my pelvic bone. When I got in for the ultra sound, it didn't take long for me to see there was no heart beat. I could see that little body, head, back, arms and legs, but no heart beat. I started crying, and she said how sorry she was (her name is Lindsey too--with an E even) I asked how long ago it had died, and she said it looks like about a week ago! Ugggh. I went back and my midwife came in, and hugged me some more. She said how she wished she could do something for me, take away my pain--SO DID I! I wished Mike were there, or my mom! (Funny how you never really stop wishing your mom was there at times like this) I met the other Dr, and he was really nice too. My friend sees him, and has said how he is a little lacking in the bedside manner department, but he was very kind. I am going in for a "D and C" (which is a term I have heard, but just read up on myself.) I cried when I called Mike as I was walking to the car. Then I called my mom, and cried HARD! After we hung up, I thought about what the D and C means for that little life I just saw on the screen. No longer alive, I know, but to think of it just gone kills me. Funny how you can grow to love something so small in such a short amount of time. That is one of the things that has amazed me most about motherhood. This is my first miscarriage, and so far I am not a fan. I thought I knew somewhat of the pain of losing a child, as I went thru a roller coaster ride of thinking I was pregnant month after month before Tyler, and then not. It was no where near this. I am grateful to have my 3 children here at home, to keep perspective, and keep me busy. But the doctor said something to me that I will not soon forget. He said this is a loss. You had a child, and you have lost it. Don't let anyone discount that, and don't discount it yourself. No matter how big it was, it was a life. At first, Mike and I were both so shocked about this pregnancy. We were planning on getting pregnant this summer, but after a few weeks, we both started to get excited, and especially in the last couple of months. We will try again, but how? I am so nervous, thinking what if I feel that uneasy feeling again? I did not have it with Tyler or Kyle, and they were both healthy babies. I guess the only thing you CAN do is roll with what comes. Thanx for "listening."